i talked with my mom, i dont think ive ever seen so many tears on my mothers face, dad still doesn`t know, ive never thought she would be the person that would do that, i cant even trust the person that brought me here, sean and colin wont answer my calls, kevin and alex and jose wont answer, and the only person ive told this to is having a good time with her friends, good, she doesnt deserve this, maybe im just a piece of shit and no one wants to talk to me, maybe i should just rot in the earth, only a few people would care anyways, now i know why i was who i was last year. Maybe it was for the better. Maybe i should just stay locked in my room and smoke my weed by myself so no one can hurt me and i can only hurt myself. even by myself ive never felt so alone. this world is so full of shit and full of lies and im so sick of it, im so fucking sick of it and im so fucking mad. 30 years of marriage, 30 fucking years. Does 30 years mean anything to you mom? Fuck you, and fuck all those baby pictures of me and fuck those pictures of dad does that mean fucking anything to you? No it doesnt. With someone at your work? are you fucking kidding me? Do people think of others at all anymore? how bad it hurts to know that the woman that i trust with my life did this. how could you. did you think of me or dad when you were in bed with that guy? did you forget we had a family? did you forget about that ring on your finger? yeah fuck you, oh you should get a 28 on your act, you should study for finals, you should help around the house, you should clean your room, no, you should learn to keep your fucking legs closed mom, im so done with everything, all the lies, all the drama, all the tears, arent you supposed to want to live your life, not feel like you want to end it? maybe i should just end it
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i wish i could just take all the memories, stuff them into a bag, and erase them from my mind, but it doesn’t work that way, green eyes aren’t as innocent as they may seem, how am i supposed to forgive someone that i will no longer be able to trust, i mean, i already have huge trust issues, and yea i might be an asshole sometimes, and yea sometimes i might be insensitive, and i haven’t ranted in a while, so im just gunna say it all right here. Yes, i love her, i love her like crazy, i would do anything for her, i would do anything to see her smile, and i know that she loves me back, thats not the issue. its when she does these types of things that really make me wonder what kind of love she has for me. she always tells me she loves me, but she has never said shes in love with me, theres a difference. im not afraid to say im in love with her, but shes hesitant, and that makes me hesitant as to whether i should continue this or end it all. i mean, what kind of love does she have for me anyways? is it like a brother, a friend, more than that? i dont really know. I knew something was going on because she started lying to me to “protect me”. i appreciate your concern but i would much rather be told the truth then find out some other way, especially like this. its funny, my dad warned me this would happen, im not going to tell anyone about this, frankly because, to be honest, im embarassed that this happened to me…again…and because i dont want other people talking shit about her, or me, so lets just leave the world out of this, although her friends probably have known about this for a while since girls tell their friends literally everything. alrite, well, im ending this rant now, i know that your going to see this tay, but thats okay, none of this is a secret to you, because i dont really keep secrets from you, i dont like to, it makes me feel guilty and shady inside, and no, i`ll never stop loving you, its just the way it is, and maybe im stupid for giving her a second chance, or maybe i just have a really big heart, but either way, shes given me plenty of second chances, so i feel like i owe her at least one, but dont do this again, dont push me away because next time i dont know how i`ll react, oh, one more thing, she said she wanted to start dating me again, guess i fucked that up too, idk why she loves me, im a creep, im a wierdo, ive learned to love that song too, but i`ve never told her that
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